ESPN: Happy B-Day, Darryl!

BRISTOL, CT (AP) -- The ESPN.com website wishes a belated happy birthday to Cardinals pitcher Darryl Kile. According to its player profile webpage, the lanky righthander turned 36 on December 2, 2004.

When reached for comment, ESPN President George Bodenheimer said, "We here at ESPN congratulate Darryl on reaching his 15th year in the Major Leagues, and hope that his 37th year on this great Earth is his best yet!"

Mr. Kile has a career record of 133-119 and a 4.12 ERA with the Astors, Rockies, and Cardinals. Known for his "12-6 curveball," he pitched a no-hitter for Houston on September 8, 1993.

Curiously, Mr. Kile was the subject of a brief Hall of Fame campaign in the summer and fall of 2002. "Sure, we heard the buzz, but it baffled us," notes ESPN's Harold Reynolds. "Typically a guy will only be inducted into the Hall if he has been retired for a period of years, or if he died prematurely under some sort of tragic circumstances. But -- as our website clearly shows -- Mr. Kile is still a very alive and very active member of the St. Louis Cardinals roster."

Dear Benedict XVI,

First of all, Your Holiness, congratulations on your historic day. We're all really happy for you and for the future of the Church. There's just this one little thing we want to talk to you about briefly, before you continue to do your good work.

Okay, so first of all we're totally all about procreation. It's a great thing. But the problem is we have this kind of epidemic over here. An AIDS epidemic, actally. Maybe you've heard of it? Okay, well it's this disease that affects the immune system-- actually, Your Holiness, heterosexuals can get it, too. So anyways, the thing is that this whole epidemic can be stemmed if people use prophylactic contraception. And the best part is that people will still actually be able to procreate, but as a conscious choice.

So we just thought you might be interested to-- no? What's that about absolutism, Your Holiness? Aah, we understand. Sorry to have bothered you.

Love,
The Third World

This Just In...

"Enough is enough. I am bitterly disappointed, as I'm sure all Yankee fans are, by the lack of performance by our team," Steinbrenner said in a statement issued immediately after the game. "It is unbelievable to me that the highest-paid team in baseball would start the season in such a deep funk. They are not playing like true Yankees. They have the talent to win and they are not winning. I expect Joe Torre, his complete coaching staff and the team to turn this around."

That sound you hear is the world's smallest violin.

Getting Political Again

Although I'm tempted to write a lengthy manifesto about the notion of "judicial tyranny" that seems so popular these days, I will limit myself to a few short statements. [Ed. Note - This now appears to be the very same lengthy manifesto I had tried to avoid. Nevertheless, I've worked damn hard in the past to make you all laugh when reading this blog, so I hope that you return the favor by hearing me out on these important issues.]

Our constitutionally established system of checks and balances mandates that each of the three branches of government act within their sphere as a check against the others. While it is the executive's job to execute the laws written by the legislature, and the legislature's job to create those laws, it is emphatically the province and duty of the judicial department to say what the law is. (Greenfield: "Do you have a cite for that?" Ahh, Con Law jokes...)

To argue that a member of the judiciary is overstepping its bounds by acting to interpret the law is utterly baseless and ludicrous. I offer you Exhibit A, a bill propsed in the Senate by Senators Shelby, Brownback, and Burr called the "Constitution Restoration Act of 2005." (Text of the bill here.) The bill allows for, among other things, the impeachment of any justice or judge who interprets the Constitution of the United States "by rely[ing] upon any constitution, law, administrative rule, Executive order, directive, policy, judicial decision, or any other action of any foreign state or international organization or agency, other than English constitutional and common law up to the time of the adoption of the Constitution of the United States."

Let's hear that one again. It would be an impeachable offense to interpret the Constitution by relying upon precedent Supreme Court cases. Let there be no mistake about it, this is not an attempt to restore constitional order. This is an attempt to completely disable the judicial branch of the United States.

There are additional bills and constitutional amendments proposed that are designed to "protect the sanctity of marriage" (read: protect us from having to acknowledge the homos), and to "restore the Senate's ability to confirm federal judges without being hamstrung by radicals" (read: eliminate the Senate filibuster rule, which has served for centuries as a means for a minority to protect its interests in the face of a slight majority; in this case, 55-45).

This last one deserves more than passing mention. Quickly, some background. Unlike in the House of Representatives where members are limited by the Speaker of the House in the amount of time they may speak, senators may "hold the floor" for as long as they wish, so long as they are physically present in the Senate chamber and are continuing to speak. What this has resulted in is a practice of senators in extreme situations of "filibustering," meaning that a senator or group of senators speaks uninterrupted for hours, sometimes days or weeks. Under current rules, which have been in place since the 1960s, a filibuster can only be stopped by the vote of a super-majority of senators (60 out of 100). This vote is called cloture.

The current system of filibuster and cloture is actually a great exercise in democracy. It essentially means that if a bill (or judicial nominee) is particularly controversial, there has to be a very large group of senators supporting it in order for it to pass.

What this means in a more practical sense is that the bills (or judicial nominees) that are proposed and passed are most often politically moderate, for the majority must allay the concerns of the minority in order to surpass the threat of a filibuster. Without the filibuster, however, there would be no incentive for the majority (currently Republicans) to compromise with either the moderates or the minority. This would allow any majority of Senators (even a 51-49 majority) to act without any check or restraint on their own power.

There has been a strong movement in the Senate to eliminate the filibuster with respect to judicial nominees. Not surprisingly, this is supported by a number of radical conservatives and religious fundamentalists who feel that the 200-year-old tradition is getting in the way of their forcing ultra-conservative judges into the federal judiciary. Keep in mind that more than 95 percent of President Bush's judicial nominees have been approved by the Senate, and the Senate Democrats have blocked only 10 of Bush's 52 appeals court nominees. And yet, sensing the opportunity to further entrench themselves in our government, the conservatives are pushing further still.

So here's the point. There is a list of seven so-called "swing senators," Republicans that are most likely to be cool-headed about this destruction of democracy. It is essential that these senators understand the danger behind the destruction of the filibuster. If you are a constituent of one of these senators, and you understand and agree with what I've just discussed, I urge -- no, BEG -- you to please call their offices and share with them your fear of the slow destruction of American democracy. They are (including contact information):


Indiana
Sen. Dick Lugar
Website
(202) 224-4814 - Washington, DC Office
(317) 226-5555 - Indianapolis, IN Office


Maine
Sen. Susan Collins
Website
(202) 224-2523 - Washington, DC Office
(207) 780-3575 - Portland, ME Office

Sen. Olympia Snowe
Website
(202) 224-5344 - Washington, DC Office
(207) 874-0883 - Portland, ME Office


New Hampshire
Sen. John Sununu
Website
(202) 224-2841 - Washington, DC Office
(603) 430-9560 - Portsmouth, NH Office

Sen. Judd Gregg
Website
(202) 224-3324 - Washington, DC Office
(603) 225-7115 - Concord, NH Office


Nebraska
Sen. Chuck Hagel
Website
(202) 224-4224 - Washington, DC Office
(402) 476-1400 - Lincoln, NE Office


Virginia
Sen. John Warner
Website
(202) 224-2023 - Washington, DC Office
(540) 857-2676 - Roanoke, VA Office


For more information on this issue, I urge you to check out SaveTheFilibuster.com. I sincerely hope that this didn't come off as a boring political science lecture so much as a presentation of my personal fears about the direction in which the ultra-conservatives in Congress are trying to move our government.

I don't think I need to mention that the first two steps in the Nazi's rise to power were to undercut the ability of the other parties to oppose them within the rules of government, and then to destroy Germany's separation of powers.
I present to you two final links for your information:
- Germany's Enabling Act of 1933
- "Commander-in-Thief" by Sheila Samples

Ok, I'm done. Watch Arrested Development, Go Sox!

Now Serving... #260

So for the last few days I've put off thinking about registration for fall classes but tonight I'm stuck working at the library until Midnight and I figured I'd try to plan out my course load for the next semester. Following the instructions in my handy Course Selection Handbook (courtesy of Academic Services), I log into the Agora website to find my registration time. Apparently class registration for 2Ls begins at 8:00am on Thursday the 28th, and runs until 4:45pm that day. I present to you my inner monologue:

Doo de doo, simply type in my username... password... ok, click UView... Academic Advisor. Scroll down and see wh--FUCK! 4:45?? FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
[Ed. Note - At least one cuss word was uttered aloud, breaking the fourth wall of the inner monologue.]

Yes, indeed. Your humble narrator will be the last member of the Boston College Law School student body to register for classes. Considering that I don't know what I want to do with my life, I guess maybe that makes it easier.

Arrested Development!

Arrested Development Season Finale: Sunday at 8:30pm!
Visit GetArrested.com for more info!
Seriously, you will love this show; I promise you, the more you watch it the better it gets.

Pope John Paul II

Karol Jozef Wojtyla
1920-2005
He'll be watching you from Heaven...
Sort of like Santa Claus, but riding a bullet-proof golf cart instead of a sleigh.